How I got Enlightened

It has not been easy for me to write this. And maybe it won't make sense to many. But here it is. For 30 years of my life, my quest was to find out how I could become enlightened. For the past 10 years however, it has been me trying to figure out how I got enlightened.  For as far back as I can remember I have always had a thorn sitting in my head. I was never comfortable with the world. I was the odd man out. I did not fit in and something in me refused to conform. Externally I did everything I was demanded of and quite successfully according to some. But I was never completely into it. I had this voice in my head that would be a constant commentator on all happenings and a critique of anything that I did. Of course I did not know it then. For me that was life. I became a cynic, an atheist, depressed, apathetic and all combinations in between. Every few years something would inspire me to try this technique or another so I could get out of my head. Some of them never worked. Some of them did for a few days, weeks or months. 

The answer to "what" made me enlightened is easy. It is the "how" for which I have no answer. In 2008 I encountered someone - quite accidentally and in no part due to any intelligence from my side. And since then the second voice in my head is absent. Whenever I say something, what I say goes into the world and doesn't come back as an echo or a criticism. When I see things, I just see them. Life is simple. I don't second guess myself. And when I close my eyes I only have silence inside. Not a dead silence.. but a compassionate, protective, beautiful silence. Even the inner chatter, if present, is more like the noise of a stream or a jungle and not like that of a city during rush traffic.  I have experienced silence during some practices occasionally. But it always went away. But this silence seems to persist irrespective of my stupidity and indulgences. It feels indestructible - and trust me when I say that I have tested it to the limit - and I am now sure it would last beyond anything that happens to me.  

This change in me has not always been pleasant for everyone around me. It is not that I have no "problems" with people or things. For some people around me, I have now become more "difficult" to deal with.  But I find many a stranger being comfortable enough with me and coming and talking to me about their problems. Earlier in life, when I met people who had problems I would try to help them out. Analyze their situation. Suggest meditations or ideas to contemplate. Sometimes these helped. Sometimes it did not.  Now when I see people having problems, I only see them wanting their problems. And them refusing to see it. I cannot suggest any technique to solve their problems. Because I never solved mine with any technique. 

I tried to go back in my head and see if there is a "how" to explain the change that happened and if I can suggest it to them. But so far I haven't found it. Whenever I direct people to my master, it is not because I don't want to help people. It is just that I do not know how. Being with the master is not easy. But it is not difficult either. I cannot tell people how to be with him. And each person's story and situation is unique and irreproducible. But all I know is that there is nothing else that works.  The master is your own self calling out to you. What you see is who you are. What you see is what you lack. What you see is your own unique and perfect completion.  He is the goal and the path.  He is the ineffable answer to the question, "how" I got Enlightened.

Bhagavan Sri Nithyananda Paramashivam